4 Years

Today would be my sweet angel's 4th birthday.

Here is a pic of her a few hours after she was delivered. Believe me when I tell you, she is perfect in every way. So perfect, in fact, she didn't have to come to mortality to be tried and tested, all she needed was a body.

I feel so blessed that I could be a part of doing that for her. I can only imagine how lovely and glorious she must be. I feel so lucky to be her mother. I look forward to the day that I will see her again and know exactly what she is like.

Having said that, there is also the grieving that takes place in mortality that I am called to bare. It is really hard to deal with the fact that one of my children isn't with us, that someone is missing. Or the sense of loss I feel when I imagine her and Grace (only a year younger) playing dress-ups, or dolls or singing together. Or the joy of having three little girls instead of only two. I can picture Dallin hugging her and caring for her, the way he does his other sisters. I wonder what her interests would be, what color are her eyes, would she be sassy like Hailey, what would she be when she grew up. Then I am jolted back to the reality that those things won't happen in this life... and I feel sad.

Today is bitter sweet as I think of my baby. Without the gospel all hope would be lost. I'm so thankful for it, and the sweet assurance that it gives.

Mixed Emotions

This day brings mixed emotions for me. This year it is a little tougher. As most of you know we buried our sweet baby girl 3 years ago on this day. It is a day of love so I guess it is appropriate that I think of her and celebrate the love I have for her on Valentine's but it is bitter sweet. Today is also my grandparent's anniversary and my grandma passed away in October so I'm really bummed to say the least. I not only carry the sorrow of my loss but my heart goes out to my grandpa, especially today. I just keep telling myself to have an eternal perspective.

Another Angel in Heaven

This past month my grandma passed away. Her health had been declining for the past few years and the last year was incredibly difficult for her. She spent over 90 days in the hospital. We all have really stuggled watching her battle this. As hard as it is to have her gone, and as much as I miss her, I know she is finally free from all of the pain. I love her so much and will always miss her. I have included the talk I gave at her funeral.

Some of the earliest memories from my childhood are the wonderful times we spent as children at my Grandparent’s home listening to their music boxes. I remember how Grandma kept them on the shelf circling the room in their basement and how my brothers and I liked to play them all at the same time. Whenever I was at their home my Grandparents would treat me like a little princess. I always felt so warm and loved. They would drop everything to give me their undivided attention. We played games, ate creamies, visited their friends and then Grandma would sing me lullabies when it was time for bed.

My grandma was very poised and classy, a real lady. She was always so well put together from her hair down to her shoes. But this never stopped her from getting down on the floor or the lawn to play with her grandchildren. She was the best dressed croquet or whiffle ball player you have ever seen. And she was always very supportive of each of us in our school activities, dance performances, and athletic events.

Being her only granddaughter gave us a unique opportunity to have a very special relationship. She has been one of my best friends. I could call her whenever I was having a difficult time and she always lifted me up with encouraging words. My grandma taught me at a very young age to have a positive attitude. She showed me this through her example. No child could have hoped for a better grandma. I have never wanted to disappoint her because I loved and respected her so much. But it didn’t matter what grade we earned or if we won the game or not, because she was always proud of us just the same. As I have matured I realize that as long as I am pleasing the Lord she is pleased.

My grandma was very giving. She enjoyed giving us birthday and Christmas presents and gifts for special achievements. She was always giving of her time and her love.
In her talk during the LDS General Conference this weekend Sister Sylvia Allred said that the greatest gift one can give is the gospel. I will be forever grateful to my grandma for giving this precious gift to her family. Her legacy of faith and her love for the Savior has already passed down through three generations.

I’d like to share with you a conversation I had with my two older children. Last week I told them about their great grandma’s condition and that she would be going to heaven very soon. My 5 year old could sense my sorrow and she told me that she didn’t want her to die. My 7 year old son looked at us very thoughtfully and then said, “But Hailey, she’ll get to see her mom and dad again, and her grandparents”. We then started to name some of the people that would be there to welcome her home. Among these names was of course their baby sister, Marielle. When I said her name my son’s face lit up. My children take great comfort in knowing that Great Grandma is there to take care of Marielle and that Marielle is there to make Great Grandma happy.

I know we have a Heavenly Father that loves each one of us. If we have faith in his plan of happiness, we need not despair. In his talk this past Saturday Elder L. Tom Perry reminded us that “The best is yet to come”. We will be together again. And during these challenging times He will send comfort. His angels are all around us. The heavens are working hard for us and extraordinary measures are being taken.

When I visited my grandma in the hospital last week, I had a very strong impression that it would be the last time I would see her. I could sense the Savior’s love for her and I knew she was in good care. The veil felt very thin at that moment and I knew there were angels attending to her and comforting her. I have felt the power of the Comforter in my own life, I know it is real. If we put our trust in the Lord he will bring us comfort and peace. I know I will see my Grandma again and we can enjoy the relationship we had in this life throughout the eternities. I know that the best is yet to come.

Eternal Family

Twice, in the last week I have overheard Hailey talk about Marielle with her friends. The first was with her friend Braden. She told him she has a sister in heaven. She said that when she came to earth her spirit stayed in heaven, and that she is waiting for us and she is sad because she misses us. Then today she met a little girl at the store and introduced herself and told her she has two baby sisters Grace and another one who died. It is amazing to me that my kids know they will see her again, and that they do have another sister that is as much a part of our family as they are. They miss her and talk about her often. Their faith is such a strength to me. What a wonderful blessing the temple is, that we can be sealed together forever. This promised truth has special meaning to us, and even to our children.

From The Beginning....

Since we didn't have a blog when Marielle became a part of our lives many of you may not know about our daughter who returned to live with her Father in Heaven. I decided after much consideration that I would start this blog. I have several reasons for creating it, first and foremost as a dedication to her. I also hope that it may be a resource to other grieving parents going through similar circumstances. Lastly, it will probably aid me in my lifelong journey towards healing. We have learned through this experience that everyone grieves differently including us. I am comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings; however, Ben is not so much. Comments are welcomed and appreciated on this blog but I ask that you please respect how he deals with his grieving.

Well I guess I'll start from the beginning. We awaited her arrival with much anticipation. Ben and I thought she would be a boy but the ultrasound proved us wrong. Another little girl! We were ecstatic. The doctor discovered that the umbilical cord only had 2 vessels instead of 3. We were assured that everything checked out good though and that it shouldn't pose any problems. At my 33 week appointment there was no heartbeat. She had passed away during the night. I think the initial feeling of shock numbed some the the pain at first. This could not be happenning to us. It didn't all sink in right away (probably a coping mechanism). In the space of just a few days we had to plan for the birth and death of our daughter. The valleys of sorrow that we have faced are almost unbearable. The pain is so sharp and excruciating you wish you could die just to escape it. It feels so lonely, so helpless, no one could possibly know how you feel. And through it all there is hope. The spirit of the Lord comforted us more than I ever imagined possible. I felt His love for me more completely than at any other time in my life. He was fully aware of my pain and he had already suffered it, He was with me, carrying me through the trenches. His tender mercies had already begun to happen. Two weeks prior, I had read an article in the Ensign from a mother of a stillborn baby, and her experience. I read it with great sympathy never imagining that we would have this in common. I know that article, that particular month, helped prepare me. My best friend told me there was almost a tangible bubble of peace and comfort around our home. She said when she was there she could feel it so strong but when she left it was gone.

I was given a pill to take the night before induction to get my body ready for labor. Things did not go as planned. In the middle of the night I woke up in labor, there was not enough time to make the 25 min. drive to the hospital. It was only 30 min. after I woke that she was delivered at home by her daddy. It was nothing short of divine intervention, labor was miraculasly short and almost painless. She was able to be at home with us after all, and Dallin and Hailey could see their baby sister in the peacefull setting of our own home. We were blessed to have Ben's parents and my mom already there staying with us that night. I have a detailed image in my mind of how beautiful and perfect she looked right after she was born. She looked so much like Hailey, the same nose and lips. Her little body was like hers too, long thin arms and legs, very dainty. She weighed just over 5 lbs. We have several pictures but they were all taken hours after she was born so her body had already started to change. For now, I don't like to look at them because I fear they will replace the perfect image in my mind. Maybe some day I will feel differently.

Thank you Lisa, for all your inspired help. You were truly an insrument in the Lord's hands.
She called around to people who had been through this and asked them for all the things they were glad they did or wished they would have done. There were many ideas given to us for creating special memories and how to preserve them. We had impressions made of her hands and feet. Another one I am so grateful for is having a second dress of the one she was buried in, for ourselves. There were countless others who helped us during this time and we are eternally grateful for the outpouring of love and prayers on our behalf. Thank you.

Planning a burial for your child when you don't even know where you are going to be buried poses many challenges. We live in Idaho but don't have deep roots here and both of our parents live in Utah. My grandparents have a handfull of plots at the City Cemetary in Salt Lake so we felt like that was the best place. The funeral home here in town was so wonderful they did so much for us and I am so grateful. We transported her little casket down to Salt Lake on Valentine's day and had her funeral. Since the funeral home we were working with was not local we had to just wing it. It was very stressful, being in charge of it, traveling, recovering and so on.

The funeral part was so stressful and emotionally draining I had thought that things would get easier after that. I was wrong. Things got alot harder before anything got easier. Trying to do day to day chores seemed nearly impossible. I couldn't even remember how it felt to be normal. My whole world had turned upside down. After you deliver, your supposed to have a baby to love, to hold, to feed, and to look at adoringly. Not me. I felt lost without her. Despite all that, I did immediately find great joy in my other two children. They were the reason I even crawled out of bed in the mornings. I felt so blessed to have them. I cherished every moment I had with them, I had gained a greater appreciation for how fragile life is. We had atleast one family member always staying at our house for that first month to help out. They were truly angels to us, thank you.

Time does heal. I guess we each can choose how much we will allow it to. Sharing my thoughts and feelings with friends and family has been a wonderful tool for me. Having another baby one year after has also brought an enormous amout of healing. I have treasured my new little baby girl in a whole new way.

It has been 2 1/2 years since our loss and I know I will carry the sorrow I feel for the rest of my mortality. But I hope that by sharing my experience I can reach out to someone, someday in their time of need. I feel that these are the cards I have been dealt and I will use it for good. This trial has given me a greater capacity of compassion for others. I remember going to the grocery store a couple of days after the funeral and thinking "no one here has any idea of what I am going through". Only a moment later I realized that I had no idea what anyone here was going through either. I try to remember that, and not judge others so harshly beacause who knows what challenges they are up against at that particular time in their life.

I have complete hope that I will hold my dear little one again, and she is in a much more lovely place now waiting for me. Life is a gift. Always let the ones you love know how much they mean to you. Don't take one single breath for granted. And above all, love the Lord and have faith in His plan.