From The Beginning....

Since we didn't have a blog when Marielle became a part of our lives many of you may not know about our daughter who returned to live with her Father in Heaven. I decided after much consideration that I would start this blog. I have several reasons for creating it, first and foremost as a dedication to her. I also hope that it may be a resource to other grieving parents going through similar circumstances. Lastly, it will probably aid me in my lifelong journey towards healing. We have learned through this experience that everyone grieves differently including us. I am comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings; however, Ben is not so much. Comments are welcomed and appreciated on this blog but I ask that you please respect how he deals with his grieving.

Well I guess I'll start from the beginning. We awaited her arrival with much anticipation. Ben and I thought she would be a boy but the ultrasound proved us wrong. Another little girl! We were ecstatic. The doctor discovered that the umbilical cord only had 2 vessels instead of 3. We were assured that everything checked out good though and that it shouldn't pose any problems. At my 33 week appointment there was no heartbeat. She had passed away during the night. I think the initial feeling of shock numbed some the the pain at first. This could not be happenning to us. It didn't all sink in right away (probably a coping mechanism). In the space of just a few days we had to plan for the birth and death of our daughter. The valleys of sorrow that we have faced are almost unbearable. The pain is so sharp and excruciating you wish you could die just to escape it. It feels so lonely, so helpless, no one could possibly know how you feel. And through it all there is hope. The spirit of the Lord comforted us more than I ever imagined possible. I felt His love for me more completely than at any other time in my life. He was fully aware of my pain and he had already suffered it, He was with me, carrying me through the trenches. His tender mercies had already begun to happen. Two weeks prior, I had read an article in the Ensign from a mother of a stillborn baby, and her experience. I read it with great sympathy never imagining that we would have this in common. I know that article, that particular month, helped prepare me. My best friend told me there was almost a tangible bubble of peace and comfort around our home. She said when she was there she could feel it so strong but when she left it was gone.

I was given a pill to take the night before induction to get my body ready for labor. Things did not go as planned. In the middle of the night I woke up in labor, there was not enough time to make the 25 min. drive to the hospital. It was only 30 min. after I woke that she was delivered at home by her daddy. It was nothing short of divine intervention, labor was miraculasly short and almost painless. She was able to be at home with us after all, and Dallin and Hailey could see their baby sister in the peacefull setting of our own home. We were blessed to have Ben's parents and my mom already there staying with us that night. I have a detailed image in my mind of how beautiful and perfect she looked right after she was born. She looked so much like Hailey, the same nose and lips. Her little body was like hers too, long thin arms and legs, very dainty. She weighed just over 5 lbs. We have several pictures but they were all taken hours after she was born so her body had already started to change. For now, I don't like to look at them because I fear they will replace the perfect image in my mind. Maybe some day I will feel differently.

Thank you Lisa, for all your inspired help. You were truly an insrument in the Lord's hands.
She called around to people who had been through this and asked them for all the things they were glad they did or wished they would have done. There were many ideas given to us for creating special memories and how to preserve them. We had impressions made of her hands and feet. Another one I am so grateful for is having a second dress of the one she was buried in, for ourselves. There were countless others who helped us during this time and we are eternally grateful for the outpouring of love and prayers on our behalf. Thank you.

Planning a burial for your child when you don't even know where you are going to be buried poses many challenges. We live in Idaho but don't have deep roots here and both of our parents live in Utah. My grandparents have a handfull of plots at the City Cemetary in Salt Lake so we felt like that was the best place. The funeral home here in town was so wonderful they did so much for us and I am so grateful. We transported her little casket down to Salt Lake on Valentine's day and had her funeral. Since the funeral home we were working with was not local we had to just wing it. It was very stressful, being in charge of it, traveling, recovering and so on.

The funeral part was so stressful and emotionally draining I had thought that things would get easier after that. I was wrong. Things got alot harder before anything got easier. Trying to do day to day chores seemed nearly impossible. I couldn't even remember how it felt to be normal. My whole world had turned upside down. After you deliver, your supposed to have a baby to love, to hold, to feed, and to look at adoringly. Not me. I felt lost without her. Despite all that, I did immediately find great joy in my other two children. They were the reason I even crawled out of bed in the mornings. I felt so blessed to have them. I cherished every moment I had with them, I had gained a greater appreciation for how fragile life is. We had atleast one family member always staying at our house for that first month to help out. They were truly angels to us, thank you.

Time does heal. I guess we each can choose how much we will allow it to. Sharing my thoughts and feelings with friends and family has been a wonderful tool for me. Having another baby one year after has also brought an enormous amout of healing. I have treasured my new little baby girl in a whole new way.

It has been 2 1/2 years since our loss and I know I will carry the sorrow I feel for the rest of my mortality. But I hope that by sharing my experience I can reach out to someone, someday in their time of need. I feel that these are the cards I have been dealt and I will use it for good. This trial has given me a greater capacity of compassion for others. I remember going to the grocery store a couple of days after the funeral and thinking "no one here has any idea of what I am going through". Only a moment later I realized that I had no idea what anyone here was going through either. I try to remember that, and not judge others so harshly beacause who knows what challenges they are up against at that particular time in their life.

I have complete hope that I will hold my dear little one again, and she is in a much more lovely place now waiting for me. Life is a gift. Always let the ones you love know how much they mean to you. Don't take one single breath for granted. And above all, love the Lord and have faith in His plan.